Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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