you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I AM VODKA MAN
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
