sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
