Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
