When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Randomize
