I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Randomize
