I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
