chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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