Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no you cant smoke seaweed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
