I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
