I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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