what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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