your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
