I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
