Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
