i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
