I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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