my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
