i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
