My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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