My boss' voice literally gives me gas
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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