he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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