The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
