just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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