mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
