I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
