just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize