Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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