guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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