He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
