Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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