Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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