tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
