but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
