So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
