my being single is dangerous.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize