I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
