I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
