But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
