I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
