I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
