My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Randomize