It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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