Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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