I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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