i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
