This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
