I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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