Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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