Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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