I threw up into my coffee this morning.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
