And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
