I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
