I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
