so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
we're so committed to being not committed
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
