Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
