I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
