Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
