Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
