I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
