Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
