i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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