He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
