billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
