Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
